Being poly and only dating one person

Anita Cassidy

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I have been polyamorous for nearly two years and, yet, for almost the whole of that time I have only been in one relationship.

I love meeting new people. I am always coming across interesting people in my social circles and I feel very lucky to have made, and be making, some marvellous connections amongst all of that. But one thing that has not happened so far is another relationship.

Recently, after another few very average dates, I spent some time identifying what my fears were.

There was a fear of permanence. That this situation will never change, that I will never meet anyone who is willing to embrace me and my non-hierarchical approach to poly.

There was a fear of being unappealing. That, by not attracting anyone else, I would become less attractive to my current partner. There was also a related fear that maybe I was doing something unconsciously to prevent new partners coming into my life.

There was a fear of scarcity. That there just are not enough people that I will be compatible with.

The fears are partly based on things that are real (the poly community, and the amount of openness to it as a model, is still tiny, if growing) but they are also things that I am not in control of and which affect us all, monogamous or non-monogamous, to greater or lesser degrees.

On closer inspection, they are fears related to myself. They are evidence of the need for more work to be done on how I see myself as well as a need for a greater degree of creativity and openness in how I get my needs met. As well as a much deeper acceptance that they may not be.

I also realised that, ultimately, I can not be other than who and how I am. If I don’t meet anyone else then that is absolutely okay with me. I embrace my life as it is. I love the very fulfilling relationship, friendships and connections I have and, if I do not have another full relationship, then I can accept that. I am happy as I am and, partly because I can see the need for and am willing to do the work outlined above, I feel excited about discovering what life has in store for me in the time to come…


Who is really interested in alternative relationships? (via


Porn panic! (via Justin Lehmiller)

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