What is unconscious monogamy?

Anita Cassidy

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Before I begin, it’s important to state that this is not an attack on monogamy but on unconscious monogamy. By this I mean the state in which relationships are begun and maintained with no conscious and open dialogue about monogamy, socially reinforced relationship patterns/structures (e.g. the relationship escalator) and how the relationship operates within that framework.

In my experience, unconscious monogamy can look like…

Scarcity mentality
Anxious attachment
Rushed and fearful of, or clinging to, time
Fixed and rigid
Conflict avoidance – all conflict and disagreement is seen as negative
Key phrase: I don’t want to die alone…

For me, Alethya and conscious relationships work towards looking like…

Emotional autonomy
Freedom from time
Sense of abundance
Fluid and flexible
Accepting of, and with positive management of, conflict
Key phrase: I accept all that life brings, including change and loss

Successful conscious relationships are those which encourage and support growth and learning, which accept change, as well as the full and honest expression of needs – both physical and emotional – with no blaming or shaming and which foster personal autonomy as well as personal responsibility.

Conscious relaters, regardless of whether they are monogamous or non, see these goals as things that are dynamic and ever developing.

Conscious relaters see that relationships with others are founded first, and foremost, on our relationship with the self and even life itself.

Conscious relaters, as much as possible, welcome the change and the challenges that relationships in, and with life itself, bring.

Conscious relaters see that communication, and the ongoing work towards doing this well, with as much self honesty and kindness as possible are key to success in all relationships across all areas of your life.

This is what Alethya and conscious relationships mean to me. What do they mean to you?


This week we are mostly reading…


“Stay With Feelings” zine by Meg-John Barker

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