A large part of the motivation for writing Bulletproof was to get clarity on who I was and what I wanted from a relationship, specifically the kind of dynamic, the kind of kinks, I was interested in.
It was meant as a testament to how I felt about a friend and a dating ad. I was always honest about that, I knew that. I was happy about that. Happy with what I wanted, where I was.
Egyptians raised pyramids, Buddhists temples, penguins bring pebbles, the Eloise and Smith stories are my monument to how I feel about a very special friend
There is a moment for Eloise and Smith where he shares a fear. His fear is that in naming something, in seeing it as a thing, you become separate from it. What has happened for me in the last eight months is some ting akin to this. From being within these experiences, in creating them so fully in my mind and exploring them in connection with someone, I’ve moved beyond them. And where I’ve ended up is somewhere unexpectedly expansive. My needs and desires have shifted to a wider space: a vista as opposed to a valley.
Going beyond power dynamics
I was all about power dynamics. And now I need something else: not more or less, just different to that, something that contains that and goes beyond it too.
It’s fascinating to witness, to be inside, this shifting. I feel like the moon becoming aware of its waxing and waning, an ocean sensing the shore and the horizon and itself in between. I feel delighted and melancholy. Change can be like that.
I think where this change is taking me is to a place that can still be structured, can still contain the games that I’ve enjoyed playing, but where I can access another level of imaginative possibility. It feels like it will be fluid, playful, expansive and mysterious. It feels like life itself. It’s a flow and curiosity that I find familiar as well as shiny and new. It feels like when you learn something new that you never expected, and you just know it’s right.
I’m not quite there yet. I’m certainly yet to fully experience it. I’m only, in truth, in this moment, seeing this place from afar but I have a sense of that it’s filled with curiosity and joy, inventiveness and pleasure. It’s about energies and sensations, about experiencing all things without attachment. It’s connected spaciousness, it’s mutual trust, it’s acceptance of change and how the wheel of fortune will shift you on or crush you if you won’t budge. It is life being alive. Life which is all about experiencing and which doesn’t care what you thought you wanted or who you thought you were. It just is: ever shifting, ever changing, expanding. If you allow it.
