I turn 48 this year and it’s a decade since the seismic shifts that led to me getting divorced and moving back to London to solo parent and write.
When I began this journey back in 2014/2015, I had terrible communication skills coupled (charmingly) with low levels of self-awareness. Alethya, this website, is a running record of the processing and learning that I’ve done since then as well as the mistakes. So. Many. Mistakes. I’m grateful to my friends and former partners for the grace and love they showed me during that time, especially when my behaviour often didn’t merit it.
I like the concept of ambiamory because it puts change at the centre of the relationship framework. I didn’t *choose* monogamy in my 20s and early 30s, I defaulted to it. I then chose non-monogamy for 7 years. Then monogamy. And now, I’m choosing to be single and make meaningful connections – my definition of being solo-polyamory.
This new beginning, after a painful 4 month grieving period for my last relationship, has a quality to it that I have not experienced before.
I’m aware of my tendency to people please/fawn as well as the related tendency to dim myself down, to remain quiet about needs in the hope that they will go away as opposed to speaking up (even when actively encouraged to do so I could not – that was how silenced my inner self had been). I have taken steps already to speak up about needs I have. This has felt really difficult but also really powerful.
I have boundaries now. Actual, clear ideas about what I do and don’t want and like. Incredible stuff. The work of getting here has been tough but oh, so valuable in many areas of my life.
I also have more confidence, more courage and, most importantly, more kindness. I’m learning to truly trust myself as well as life itself. I still make mistakes. I still feel anxious sometimes. I will always be learning.
To me, solo-polyamory is a choice that centres my needs and my self but also contains a generosity: a vast desire to share my life with others. I would like to let people flow in and out of my life like water, to be and share as much as they wish. I’m striving to be clear about my needs/desires/hopes: to be gracious when they’re declined and enthusiastic when they’re reciprocated. Mutual enthusiasm for each other’s company is one of the greatest gifts life has to offer.
I feel content with my life. I feel very grateful. I feel joyful. I notice that I really enjoy meeting people who add to that joy as opposed to them BEING the joy. I am the love of my own life. And there is nothing I enjoy more than sharing that feeling, letting it pour out and back, to the people I care about, whatever form that relationship takes.
