Seeing this zine by Meg-John Barker as well as a conversation with a new client inspired me to reflect on talking to our important people. Whether with partners or family/friends, there will likely be times, sometimes quite often, where we need to have sensitive, difficult, or tricky conversations. Here are some thoughts on that.
How to listen – to others
Before you begin, are you ready to listen? I mean really truly ready to stop talking and thinking and mentally commenting and actually listen? You are? Great 🙂
Face the person or be nearby: side by side can work well. Look at them, often or infrequently depending on your own communication style and needs but do look at them as and when you can. Touch them, if appropriate: a hand on the arm or even leaning towards them may be enough. Let them know how much eye contact or touch to expect from you. Breathe. Breathe again more deeply. And slowly. Use your ears so hard they tingle. Ask for things to be repeated if you’ve not heard. Ask to confirm what you understand. Keep your tone and language neutral. Use I statements: ‘I notice that when you said…I felt…’
How to listen – to yourself
Stay calm. Breathe. Listen to the chatter and then listen harder. What is your inner wisdom saying beneath the chatter? How familiar is this story being told? What needs and feelings are held in the story? What needs and feelings just need to be acknowledged and which ones require changes, on your part on the part of others? Reflect before bringing them to a conversation.
Notice any tendencies to draw hard lines then cave, or not draw lines at all. Notice what is coming up for you as you talk and listen. Notice if you are approaching this conversation form a place of love or fear, avoidance, or patience. Your energy matters. Be honest. Be kind. Be clear. To yourself as well as them.
How to prepare for a difficult conversation
Reading an article, sharing a video or image/meme can all help spark a conversation. The key is to prepare everyone involved in advance, allow for preparation and sharing of concerns/questions and then create a safe space and adequate time to discuss.
The topic could be as simple as routine chores or meal plans, or could be more complex. Regardless, we should be sensitive to the needs of everyone to feel heard and understood. Everyone needs time to ask questions or figure things out. Focusing on one topic at a time can help, as can keeping a note of other issues and concerns to talk about another time.
How can you build in checkpoints and also breaks? What are people’s preferred locations? Time frames? Small and often? A long chat with breaks? How will you bring up resistance or concerns? What do you or they feel dismissive or uncomfortable about? How might you address that? Are you breathing? Take a breath 🙂
Consider your non-negotiables or boundaries beforehand. What is the least or the most you can do? What are you flexible on? Allow space to change your mind or ask for time to consider based on the conversation. Also, for low-stakes issues, try to be flexible about how they might be resolved: there are many ways to skin a cat.
Create a ritual or regular space/time
Weekly check-ins, monthly catch-ups – whatever time frame you use, there can be advantages to having a regularly scheduled check-in on certain topics. The same rules apply re agreeing the scope, ensuring that everyone involved is ready and willing to participate and having enough time for everyone to discuss their concerns.
One-off/spontaneous chats
I know that my teenage son prefers to walk and talk, or to bring things up whilst we watch a programme together. A drive can be good for talking – that side-by-side space can feel connected yet also a little safer. Consider what you need to help you feel safe and share that.
As highlighted by Meg-John, it’s vital that we gain the agreement for the conversation, and the nature of it, even if it’s spontaneous – ‘It sounds like you want to talk about x’/‘Is now a good time to mention y? It came up as I watched that scene’. Get clear and enthusiastic agreement and then proceed as above: carefully, kindly and with awareness.
It’s also vital that we are sensitive to the discomfort and needs of those in that conversation and commit to check-ins as we talk. Ask open questions like ‘How are you feeling as we talk?’ or ‘I noticed you crossed your arms – how are you feeling as we get into this?’ and LISTEN to the answers. It is so important to listen with as little interference from your own running commentary as possible. And this is hard, so plan in breaks and talk about the stuff that is coming up as you talk.
Create a communications promise
It can be helpful to make agreements about how we talk to each other. It might look like any of these:
– I will listen without interrupting.
– I will notice any judging or internal criticism that goes on and share if it is helpful to.
– I will say how I truly feel even when it is hard.
– I will take and allow breaks when needed.
– I will recognise my own resistance or forcefulness when tricky things come up.
– I will never name-call, shame or swear during our conversation.
How to cope when feelings come up
Communication is a dance, and we all have steps or routines/styles that we are more familiar with than others. If we’re quite avoidant, for example, we might hesitate to bring up contentious issues or we might agree to things we don’t want to keep the (temporary) peace. If we’re more confrontational, we might be quick to anger or find it harder to sit with difficult feelings or resistance to our ideas/suggestions. The more clearly we can see ourselves and the better we know ourselves and the places we tend to retreat to, the easier it is to make changes.
Phrases like ‘when x happens, I feel y’ can help, as can starting phrases with ‘this is really difficult to say’ before you say the difficult thing.
Trusting what you need and feel
A common issue is fear that what we think we want is not what we really want – what if we change our minds? What if there is another need, a contradictory one, on the other side of this one?
“My commitment is to truth, not consistency” – Gandhi
Take some time, not too much or too little, to feel into what the issues are. Be courageous as well as compassionate. Spending some time reflecting on what your core needs are and how these have changed or stayed consistent over time can be helpful. Trust that you know yourself, trust that you can share this, and trust that, as and when things change again, it will all be okay. Start small but make a start. Saying something about how you feel is almost always better than saying nothing.
We cannot necessarily, nor should we want to, erase every tension, or worry (see below re 83 problems). It’s about tuning in to the key stuff, the essential, and then making choices and acting, in line with our values, that fits with that.
Know your ‘dance’ style: the four Fs
It can be helpful to know yourself and your own dance style. This article here can help, as can this one. This is important work for the self as well as relationships of all sorts. How you tend to be in a personal relationship can also be reflected in work relationships or with family, so it’s helpful to know what your style is and to be aware of where it’s useful as well as where it’s less so.
Know your values
Knowing your own and the other people’s values before you begin can also be helpful. Values work is important, and your values are specific to you. Again, it’s important to notice the limitations as well as strengths of those you choose: kindness is powerful, for example, but has limits when there is danger or risk. Loyalty is valuable, but not if it always puts others’ needs above and beyond your own.
I tend to use honesty, authenticity, respect and kindness as my baseline values. Read more about those here.
Make power in relationships and power in the self visible, and dismantle it
If one person fears their kids being taken away, or having nowhere to live or being judged or shamed, then they are not free to speak. It is vital that we talk to each other about the power in our relationships and do all we can to make sure that we have access to equal shares of it.
‘What would you say if you were not afraid?’
How wonderful if we could all speak our full truth to those we’re closest to. How wonderful if we could all speak to our own selves too and hear the truth of what we need. All too often, internal barriers limit us more than external ones. Reflect on your values, stories, and feelings. Capture what is important and share what is vital.
Take pauses and make agreements about when to reconnect
Difficult conversations can take a lot of physical and emotional energy. Make sure you take breaks, stay hydrated, eat, and are comfortable. Breathe. Move around if needed and, as and when breaks are required, agree to them and take them. Important conversations shouldn’t be left too long but pauses are vital for regulating/calming the self and progressing intentionally.
Talking about touch, intimacy and sex
A common issue is the amount or nature of the physical intimacy we share with the people in our lives.
It can be helpful to be specific about what you would like as opposed to what you don’t, or being vague (for example: ‘more intimacy’ is a good goal but needs to be broken down into things like: holding hands when out walking, kissing when leaving and returning home/to each other).
When considering the specifics of touch, think about the role that touch plays in your lives right now and how would you like that to look? Think about the places in and out of the home that you do touch (i.e., hand-holding while walking, dancing together, touching while talking, while watching TV, while bathing or in bed) and think about what you might like instead. ‘Yes, no, maybe’ lists are great if you are exploring what you do and don’t want, both solo as well as in partnership.
Try to separate out penetrative sex from the rest of touch – what kinds of intimacy do you like that are not penetrative sex and how might sexual and intimate play have more of a role in your life?
83 problems
‘You will always have 83 problems’ – Zen proverb
There is a wonderful line in Joko Beck’s Everyday Zen: ‘The problems ARE your relationships.’
And, as John Gottman says in much of his relationship research and writing: ‘The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.’
Or, as Mark Manson puts it: ‘Meanwhile, many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should never be a disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship, too.’
So, choose your battles but also know that there will always be something. This restlessness, these problems – this is your life happening.
This doesn’t mean not making changes or not getting better at communicating your needs and feels and also at listening. It does mean accepting that there will always be something (or 83 somethings) and that that is okay. Holding this complexity, and being with the ups and downs of all relationships, is what conscious living and loving is all about.
Resources on Communication and understanding self
Non Violent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg (book)
Staying with Feelings zine – MJ Barker
Hell Yeah Self Care zine – MJ Barker
Mark Manson – https://markmanson.net/healthy-relationship-habits
C-ptsd – Pete Walker (book)
Everyday Zen – Joko Beck (book)
