Power dynamics have always been important and fascinating to me. The DS in BDSM often stands for Domination and submission (as well as sadism) and throughout this piece I will refer to them as D/s, D/ or /s as this is how they appear in my mind. A great introduction to these concepts is by the amazing MJ Barker here.
I know that the first kinky/BDSM images I saw on tumblr in 2015 spoke so instantly and completely to a part of myself that had never heard those words before. I know that completing questions about my sexual interests on OKCupid helped me identify that I was, indeed, very /s. I disliked the idea of ‘switching’, I felt very attached to this identity as submissive. But, as with all things, this changed.
Interestingly, and unsurprisingly, I’m here at this turning point in my explorations because someone told me to explore, someone insisted I push myself. Thank-you, Miller, as always, for being a catalyst for my growth.
I feel very much like the D/ in me is a mirror image of the /s. I sense and feel that the masochist in me is reflected in a sadistic edge. That my eagerness to submit, be controlled and worship could be equalled by my need to Dominate, control and be worshipped. That my enthusiasm for humiliation is matched by a desire to humiliate.
I never fully understood the role of fashion/clothes in kink. I knew I liked latex, knew that the dress I owned made me feel good, held. However, it was only when I wore my catsuit and hood for the first time that I felt the transformative potential of clothes. I felt changed in that outfit. People often fail to recognise me in it. They say: is that you? And the feedback has been that I move differently, hold myself differently – am different. I feel it too. I feel like an other part of myself has stepped into the spotlight. And I like it: a lot.
I mistakenly used to consider the idea of both, of being ‘switch’, as a loss, as if it meant occupying some unsatisfying middle ground. What I see now, for now, is that it is possible to be both, to move through and within both and to gain, not lose, in that moving.
I’m surprised that it has taken me this long to drop those labels and yet I think the submissive identity was so tied up with my own growth and the life changes I went through back in 2014-2018 that I felt reluctant to let it go. And I haven’t: I’m still very much identified with that part of myself, I treasure that part of myself. I wouldn’t be here without it. I’ll likely never stop being that way and yet, now, I feel excited that there is more learning, more growth, more expansion ahead. Limitlessness.
With a nod to Walt: I celebrate myself and sing myself, in all its evolving glory.
Further reading
https://freaksexual.com/2007/06/11/towards-a-general-theory-of-bdsm-and-power/ – the best thing I have ever read about kink and power.
