When did you last speak to your family?
I know that, amongst much of my circle, asking, ‘How’s your mum/dad,’ or ‘How are your parents?’ can provoke a strong reaction. There are big feelings at play here. Midlife can exacerbate these as we navigate big physical and emotional changes but, in truth, any decade can be a challenge when it comes to navigating communication with those closest to us.
As an advocate of conscious relationships, I very much believe in crafting connections with everyone in our lives in a way that suits where we are right now. Whether you have a close and effortless or a more complex relationship with family, you still get to decide how and when you speak to and see them, and what you talk to them about. Boundaries are vital and yet are still, I think, little understood outside of therapy-tok and Medium articles. Certainly, it’s easier for most of us to know that we need to hold our boundaries than it is to do so.
For this piece, I’m going to write less and prompt more. I invite you to consider, investigate or be curious about the following questions. Read the list, choose one or two that resonate and sit with them for a while. Scribble notes, make a collection of images, draw, or talk to a friend. Notice any judgements or feelings that come up. Be curious about what bubbles up, what resistance comes in, what parts of yourself speak up or stay silent. As you work, be aware of your breathing and try to take some long, slow, deep breaths. Where possible, do the work in a space/place that feels comfortable and emotionally safe to you.
- Who are your important people? The ones you would call with the good news as well as the bad.
- When do you find it easier to say no (and yes)? With whom, and under what circumstances?
- When you think of phoning family, how do you feel in your body? What images or feelings come to mind or experience?
- Who are you when you talk to your family (of origin)? Which parts of yourself are present at those times? What parts are absent?
- How would you like to be able to answer these initial questions? What changes in your actions might be needed to effect that shift?
- How does guilt feel in your body?
- What would an act of kindness to yourself look like today?
- How do you understand the phrase self-determined? What are some actions or choices that represent self-determination to you?
- What form and cadence of connection suits you best? How close is that to your lived experience right now? What steps could you take to close the gap that exists if there is one? How does contemplating those steps feel?
- Expectations around communication are often based around birth order and gender, as well as geographical and practical considerations. What part do these things play in your relationship with family? What, if anything, needs to be considered or reassessed?
- What values are important to you? (Examples of values might be kindness, honesty, authenticity, generosity, respect.)
- What have you noticed about how change happens within you and those around you?
I hope these questions supported you in exploring how you feel about connections with your family of origin.
If you’d like to read or consider more, I can recommend some further reading here: –
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/24/tips-for-going-no-contact-with-a-toxic-parent/
If you would like to talk to someone about family related issues, I can recommend the following phone/text services: –
Feel free to get in touch and share your experiences of these prompts. My email is anita.cassidy@alethya.com
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