This is an expansion on Five features of conscious dating. Conscious dating is part of creating conscious relationships. Conscious relating is about bringing awareness and intention to all our connections with others as well as our selves. It’s about noticing patterns and triggers as well as needs and feelings and being able to communicate about these clearly and effectively. It’s also about noticing how all our relationships, especially the one we have with ourselves, are interconnected with our lives. It’s about making choices, as often as possible, with our chosen core values front of mind.
Take it slow
I recently heard someone talking about a 24 hour first date. You know, a meet up that becomes a day long get together. The person added that things rarely went anywhere after that – the intensity was too much and the recalibration needed too big. It’s the same with texting too much, especially before you’ve met or in the early stages of getting to know each other.
Texting (or calling) too much, too early, tends to create a false intimacy. It’s an intimacy of two people that are seeing and hearing what they want to as opposed to the reality of each other. It can feel great (been there, done that, got the t-shirt) but it can also create other challenges as you need to manage and de-escalate accordingly. The brakes being applied by one person can feel like a jolt to the other.
There are other pitfalls of going too fast that are much more serious. Most intimate partner violence happens in relationships where people move in together after only a few months. A fast start with things escalating very quickly is often a red flag for potential violence, emotional and/or physical abuse (check out ‘No Visible Bruises’ by R L Snyder).
Taking it slower, much slower, with clear communication along the way, helps create a connection based on the reality of us and our lives. Slow can mean lots of different things but, as a guideline, week long gaps in between early dates and never planning further ahead than you’ve known each other can be helpful (this last idea comes from the wonderful Love Uncommon blog).
Check in with yourself about what might feel uncomfortable about slowing down, check in about what feels good. Keeping your own life in the centre, taking each new step consciously, can all ADD to the sparks that you’re hopefully feeling as you get to know this new person. Trust that a fire built carefully is one that will likely burn much longer.
Define your words
What do the words boyfriend / girlfriend / enbyfriend or partner mean to you? What are their definitions? This might seem like an odd question but it’s important to remember that everyone defines their connections in different ways. The words monogamy, non-monogamy, as well as polyamory, even just the word relationship, are all definable across a broad landscape. And these meanings can shift as we learn more about ourselves and/or our needs change.
We tend to see words as fixed but, like all things, they are highly subjective, used with meanings that are created by unique, individual experience. It’s helpful to talk about what these common words mean as you go through the early stages of dating. This can look like thinking about and talking about what did and didn’t work about past relationships. It can look like thinking about and discussing relationships needs around space, contact and frequency in the now. It can look like speaking up about what you really need as opposed to saying you have needs that are (amazingly! Oh my, what a lucky coincidence!) in total alignment with theirs 🙂
It’s about ongoing awareness. It’s about taking steps to ensure you’re respecting their boundaries as well as your own.
This might all seem a little much – we’re only dating! – but, it can be helpful to consider the patterns of the past and to see how this kind of awareness might help you foster more helpful ones as well as let go of behaviours which have not always served you.
Define the words then let them go
Use the raft to cross the river, put it down to travel through the forest.
This zen saying is a useful summary of a key idea: that we can define and know the meanings of words but at some point after we have the meaning we need to let go of the words and be in connection with each other beyond that. I prefer to think about relationships in terms of the activities that are shared as well as the energy. Do you have a past connection that is fading but still close? Is it a new relationship? Is it a friend who is getting closer, emotionally but not physically? Is it an acquaintance that you would like to get to know better? Consider the range of feelings you can have, the intensity with which you can feel them and the activities you share – that is your relationship in the now 🙂
The person is special and unique, but others can be special too
So, you’ve been dating a little while and it’s not working out. Something shifted. In them, or in you. And now you’re not sure where you’re at and you’re realising that you might need to be looking all over again. If you’ve followed some of the steps we’ve previously outlined such as being clear on your own needs and taking steps to creating a full life then, hopefully, the disappointment is softened a little. What will hopefully also help is to hear that yes, that person is unique and, yes, you did share something special. The loss of that can feel really hard. But other people are unique too. Trust that you WILL meet others who are also able to meet those needs and bring joy to your life.
…and that you might need some support
Holding these challenging feels and stepping out of the spiral of your own story around dating and relationships can be really hard. This is where I can help. I coach people around relationships as well as creativity, work and all other areas of life. Sessions are priced according to your financial circumstances and can be a one off or a series. Coaching helps you see where you are at and what you need to do with clear eyes. Get in touch: anita.cassidy@alethya.com
Or book a free 30 minute session with me HERE.
