Thoughts on breakups and newly single energy
Relationships, especially long-term relationships, can often feel fixed. We look ahead
and expect more of the same, and this can, at different times and in different moods,
feel either delicious or dull. Sometimes we experience stability as supportive,
sometimes as stultifying.
We need to see this as normal. We need to be honest with ourselves about how we
are experiencing things, and we also need to expect the feelings to shift and move.
When relationships start to feel difficult – when they are transitioning through stages
(from new to established, from one year to two, from three years to five), when we
are hitting the edges and experiencing unease or dissatisfaction – it can be tempting
to imagine or crave being single.
There is a particular energy about being newly single. Once the pain has mostly
passed, we may experience a burst of enthusiasm: for exercise, healthier eating, a
new or discarded hobby or interest. Perhaps we see our friends more, or maybe we
rediscover the joys of doing things solo. Maybe we enjoy making plans that are not
curtailed or constrained by the needs and preferences of another. After a breakup,
we can also start to see the future as open rather than fixed; it can feel as though
there is more space again, more possibilities available. All of this can seem quite
liberating – a sense of freedom and lightness. But is it possible to experience this
energy without the ending of a relationship?
A breakup can be a reset, a refresh, a chance for an emotional spring clean.
Perhaps we can harness that energy without the need to end things?
Of course, I’m not saying that relationships should never end, but it can be useful,
when we find ourselves feeling restless or uneasy in relationship, to give ourselves
some room to feel how we are feeling and to explore the edges of our needs and
emotions.
I wonder if sitcoms and TV relationships have some wisdom to share here. The will-
they-won’t-they ebb and flow of Mr Big and Carrie, of Ross and Rachel. Maybe this
speaks to the essence of change, the normality of the process of moving apart and
together and apart again and then together. Perhaps this also speaks of a need to go
beyond the binary and into a place where we accept change and the need to
renegotiate and remake what we are and how we are in relation to each other on a
regular basis.
To do this we need time. The physical and practical dynamics of a relationship are
often established in the few months to a year while we are still within the new
relationship energy (NRE) stage. I have written about that in more detail here.
It is important to be able to ebb and flow with relationships, to be able to move away
and then closer in a secure and anxiety-free fashion. Security is partly determined by
the dynamics and communication within the relationship, and partly by security within
the self (for more on attachment dynamics try starting with MJ Barker here ).
For example, space to be alone for a few days at a time is necessary for me, whereas a
few hours might be enough for someone else. Another person might need weeks.
When we feel secure within the relationship and within the self, we will be able to
allow the other person time and space for projects and other commitments; we know
that we are one part of their lives, not all of it. There may be imbalances in the
commitments and responsibilities of each person and this needs to be considered. It
is about being able to take that pause, that step back that says: where am I at? What
is important for me? What stage of life / development am I? What is life calling me to
do, and how do my relationships support me as well as me supporting them?
To do this, we need self-awareness and honesty. It is vital that we reflect honestly on
what is coming up for us. We need to be able to see ourselves and our fears and
concerns clearly. We need, again, time as well as tools: journalling, drawing,
meditation, tarot, other forms of creativity and movement can support us in
understanding and honouring our inner world as well as being mindful with our
actions towards others in our lives.
Oliver Burkeman writes eloquently about the lure of the fresh start, and how we think
that a set of hacks or a new notebook or a new ‘plan’ or schedule will transform how
we are in the world. We need to recognise the truth behind the statement: wherever
you go, there you are. We all take our stuff with us, and, unless we are actively
working on lightening the load (of our pasts, of our habitual patterns of thought and
behaviour) then we will clutter up the present.
Is it possible to take the best things about ‘fresh starts’ and apply that to our
relationships in the now? It is harder work, but we can address the things that are
lingering, the fights and conflicts not resolved; we can own our part in causing
problems, and we can accept that there will always be some problems (83 problems,
to be precise!). And we can perhaps create space and time to do the things
that we know would give ourselves more sense of us as an individual again.
Newly single energy can often be about seeing the future as more open. It can be
either exciting or scary when the fixed ideas we had about the future no longer apply.
However, they were just that: ideas. Ideas about how the future would be, not facts
about it. This is a simple yet important thing to hold in our hearts and minds: that
what we think is fixed is not. Just because something looks as though it will be
forever, or we have made a commitment to forever, that doesn’t mean it will be.
Sickness, accidents, changes in circumstances and needs are all likely ahead of us,
and, while many relationships can navigate these things well, many do not. And
that’s okay too. But the idea of inevitable change should remind us to be available to
the present.
After a long-term relationship ended recently, I realised that the time we had cuddled
last, held hands last and kissed last had been the last time we shared those things.
But in truth, we never know which time might be the last. Remembering this might
help us be more grateful for what we have in the moment as well as acknowledging
the complexity of our feelings.
We don’t always get to choose the change that happens. Relationships and adult
lives are complex. While we might wish things were easier or different, the truth is
that we must see clearly and be fully in the present. This clarity is what illuminates
the self and our actions. The light of awareness may reveal feelings that are difficult
to hold and may cast shadows that are terrifying to comprehend; however, the truth
of the now is all we ever have, and it is from there that we must learn to take
responsibility for what we do next.
