There have been feelings. There have been thoughts. Here are some of them.
Anything that’s important to do is likely to feel difficult
Saying how you feel
It can still feel feel difficult to say how I feel. And yet I notice that when I reflect for a short while and then say how I feel clearly and calmly I always feel ‘better’. I also notice that I rarely need anyone to DO anything about how I am feeling other than hear it and understand it. I’m rarely asking for anything to change – just saying how I feel is enough.
Asking for what you need/would like
Identifying what we need and then speaking of it to others can be hard. This is especially the case when it comes to letting people know you’d like to spend time with them or that you’re interested in getting to know them better. This makes sense because it’s risky. It’s risky because it involves the possibility of rejection, disappointment and discomfort – things we are famous as conscious and self-conscious creatures for trying to avoid. And, yet, it can be helpful to remember that we almost ALL feel like this. So, if you’re able to acknowledge it – ‘This is a bit difficult to say and…’ ‘I hesitate and…’ ‘I worry about making you uncomfortable and wanted to let you know I’d love to / be interested in…’ – then this helps. Also, it does get easier with practice.
Being upfront about sexual health
This can feel awkward and yet it is crucial so ask, ask, ask, even awkwardly: just ask.
Taking action and not taking action
It’s about sitting with a feeling (any feeling) long enough to get a true sense of whether it needs to be acted upon. And then taking the necessary action. There’s always the risk that change will happen or that it won’t. And this is the risk. But it’s also an opportunity.
We have to be willing to sit still and then also willing to act whilst fully accepting that we’re not in control of the consequences/outcomes.
Caring more, reaching out more marks you out as strong not weak
When done without demands or expectations, it’s the sign of a courageous heart and mind. As Auden said: “If equal affection cannot be, / Let the more loving one be me.” Why would you ever choose to be the one capable of less love?
Mistakes and pain are inevitable and how growth happens
There are people who say they’re interested when they’re not. There are people who will never tell you how they really feel about you. There are people who seek ‘connection’ but really have just figured out that saying this is often a good strategy to get laid. There are all sorts of people. Also, feelings and needs change. Missteps happen, things are miscommunicated, misunderstood, and feelings get hurt. All inevitable, all part of life. All still very painful. Expand your resources for conscious self-soothing and take care of yourself.
Feeling ‘bad’ is not always a sign that you’re getting it ‘wrong’
The brain and body prefer to feel nothing at all to feeling bad. If we experience discomfort, psychological and physiological alarm bells can sound and, yet, feeling ‘bad’ isn’t always a sign of something being amiss. Again, we need to be able to see the situation clearly and be honest – are we acting with a mind free of demands, or at least holding hopes and expectations lightly.
It’s not that ‘I don’t care’ just that ‘I don’t mind’
I’ve been married, been divorced, lost almost all of my old friends because I got divorced, lost a parent to long term illness and solo parented two kids to teenagers. I loved some people so much and yet things still changed. I’m extraordinarily grateful for every thing that has happened to me to date. I genuinely don’t mind what happens next 🙂
Being able to choose is all that really matters
The ability to be at choice, to be able to open your heart and connect with honesty and grace, as well as without expectation, is all that matters.
Love, regardless.
